Self-Awareness: Reminder to Check Yo'self Before You Wreck Yo'self

While being self-aware is a valuable skill, anybody who has a strong sense of self-awareness will tell you that it is only half of the battle. For example, one might say to herself, “Okay, so I am aware that I have a pattern of being offended by attitudes of intolerance. Now what?" I’ve come across countless memes that say things about how even tolerant people cannot tolerate intolerance.

But isn’t that hypocritical? Even if, hypothetically speaking, it were justifiable, does intolerance for intolerance resolve anything? From where I’m sitting, it seems suspiciously like it could quickly turn into a black hole to dump well-intentioned passion and energy into. What if there was another way?

Regardless of the answer to that riddle, I’ll tell you what I do know. I do know that often times when we don’t like something about someone else it is because we are projecting. Most people have an unspoken list of things they don’t like about themselves. It may be conscious, or it may be unconscious. When we see someone else who possesses an unwanted characteristic we’ve seen in ourselves, it is difficult not to have a strong negative reaction toward them. However, what is likely happening is an outburst of emotion that was originally meant for us. It’s just so much easier to deny our own negative traits and to focus our attention on other’s shortcomings. If we could learn to accept the parts of ourselves that are more difficult to face, then others who have those traits in common with us would no longer be quite as aggravating.

I was once asked, “What is it about intolerant people that upsets you?” I said something about willful ignorance, and I was then confronted with this: “What if it isn’t willful? Or, what if it’s connected to some kind of past trauma the person was faced with?” It occurred to me that it was possible for someone to say or do something intolerant for a reason other than my initial assumption—that he or she is simply a bad person. I might have, at some point in my life, even said or done something intolerant myself (cringes).

The truth of the matter is, none of us have any way of knowing why other people say or do most of the things they say or do. Not to mention, much to our dismay, we cannot control them. What we do have control over is how we respond to them. We can choose to respond with an outburst of emotion and ignore that it is most likely linked to some kind of unresolved issue within ourselves. Alternatively, we can choose to acknowledge the possibility that our feelings might be coming from somewhere a little deeper than what it seems and make a concerted effort to respond with compassion (or a watered down version of compassion if it’s something that really drives you nuts—baby steps!).

If you’re anything like me, a lot of these emotional reactions take place internally. Next time you find yourself fuming about the “idiotic thing that person just did!” I challenge you to examine the situation. What was it about what just happened that upset you? Have you ever exhibited a trait like the one that person just exhibited? Do you have a close friend or family member who has? Can you find compassion in your heart for yourself or your loved one?

At the end of the day, this practice is way more about you than it is anybody else. By thinking a little more deeply about these fleeting situations, we can choose to spend that much more time growing the compassion in our hearts both for ourselves and for others, and that much less time unnecessarily stewing in negativity.

Do yourself a favor. Choose compassion.