How To Survive Life's Turbulence
Something a friend once told me that has stuck with me to this day is that I don’t have to behave a certain way just because I feel a certain way. It seems so simple, but up until that point I lived my life as though I had no choice. I believed that if I was sad, I had to lay in bed and wallow, and if I was happy, I had to recklessly indulge myself. Learning that it was okay to be sad and to continue putting one foot in front of the other, or to be happy and to remain responsible, was a surprisingly straightforward and life-altering epiphany for me.
You may have heard the classic phrase, “You can’t choose what happens, but you can choose how you respond to it.” Well, the same thing applies to emotions! People cannot “choose to be happy.” People feel how they feel, plain and simple. (Hopefully this news comes as a relief to you, as it takes the pressure off of trying to figure out how to get rid of all of those other “pesky emotions.”) While you probably don’t have the power to always choose to be happy, there are things you can do to minimize the amount of time you spend feelings ways you don’t want to.
What my friend was describing to me was something I later learned is called “distress tolerance,” or the ability to endure distress without giving it the power to derail you. The good news is, the better you become at dealing with negative emotions, the less they tend to come around, and there are a few key factors that can assist you in developing a higher level of distress tolerance.
Support System
Having a support system is a huge, mandatory factor when it comes to nurturing your own well-being. I remember a time in my life when I felt like I had no one to turn to, and it was my own parents who said to me, “you can’t just expect people to come out of nowhere to catch you when you fall.” They were right. It is important to invest in meaningful relationships when things are going well. Not only will that help to cushion your fall should you have one, but meaningful relationships are an excellent way to maintain a good thing once you have it. Strong connections take time and effort to build, so if you don’t have them in your life right now—don’t beat yourself up! Just notice and consider what you can do to start working on that part of your life.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is important because you won’t be motivated to change your unhelpful thoughts and behaviors if you don’t believe you deserve better. A good way to measure your self-compassion is to pay attention to the way you talk to yourself. Try writing down a list of things you think to yourself over the course of a day. Are the things you listed the types of things you would feel comfortable saying out loud to another person? If you have an inner cheerleader, you might tell yourself things like, “Everybody makes mistakes,” or “You’re doing the best you can. Don’t give up!” If you have a harsh inner critic, however, you might be thinking to yourself, “What’s wrong with you?” or “That was so dumb…” If your self-talk sounds more like the second example, it might be worth exploring the reason you are bullying yourself.
Coping Skills
Last, but certainly not least, people with high levels of distress tolerance always have a few preferred coping skills in their back pockets. Not everybody has the same coping skills, but these are a few that I have used with positive results.
Mantras—A mantra can serve many purposes, depending on what you use it for. It can be a reminder to correct a negative thought or behavior. For example, if you have a harsh inner critic, an appropriate mantra might be, “If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.” It can be a self-affirmation. For example, for someone who tends to put others needs ahead of her own, she might practice telling herself, “You are kind and you are worthy.” It can be a relaxation technique. For example, for a person who struggles to fall asleep at the end of the day, he might use the mantra, “Don’t try to sleep, just try to relax.”
Journaling—Journaling can be very helpful when it comes to untangling thought-knots of the mind. If you find that you continue to run into the same obstacle day after day, week after week, reflecting on your understanding (or your lack of understanding) about what is happening and how it makes you feel can be very therapeutic. Journaling can also be useful in breaking down big, overwhelming thoughts into smaller parts. Furthermore, it is an excellent form of self-care, because it serves as an incentive to dedicate a chunk of time to focusing on you. (Bonus points if you use your journaling to do an exercise with gratitude!)
Physical activity—It can be very easy, especially when a negative mood takes us over, to choose to become physically stagnant, but utilizing “mind over matter” not to invalidate your thoughts or feelings, but to work through them, can be a very powerful tool. Choosing to incorporate some form of activity into your lifestyle has huge benefits on your state of mind. Even something as simple as going for a walk is an excellent coping skill to turn to, whether you are working through a negative emotion or trying to maintain a positive one.
